Archive

Hillary Martin

father i bring

the rain in
san francisco is all hands
holds herself in my back
pockets a corner store filled
with ginger ale and gods
rowing paddle boats
legs spinning a standstill
begging you to drink
up missing dry land
but you find their gait
a little funny so you blow
out a mist a sea of sorried
fiberglass and chocolate
set the timer for twenty
minutes to see if anyone
is drowning

Hillary Martin attends California College of the Arts where she is nurturing her love for Poetry. Within her poetry, she explores a life lived in a Southern Baptist household while also identifying as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. Previous work can be seen in Glass Poetry, Feminine Collective, and FIVE:2:ONE. When Hillary is not writing, she enjoys long walks to Trader Joes and the city at sunrise.

Keegan Lawler

The Bench

We’re all visiting the MFA program, coming from all over the country, but I’m perhaps the most at home. Coming from places like Chicago, Louisville, and Los Angeles, the other prospective students ask what they could possibly do in such a small town.

The people around me are all nice, but I’m not good in groups of mostly strangers, and feel my body shrinking. I recede behind their conversations, watching their words travel over and around me to one another. We sit in a tiny vegetarian restaurant in Laramie, Wyoming drinking watered down ice tea in thick plastic cups.

One of the older students sitting with us offers his advice, “If you can’t survive without it, there’s a Trader Joe’s an hour away, and a Whole Foods within two!”

I bite my tongue. I can be bitter and cutting when around bourgeois people and am desperate not to make a bad impression on fellow writers. I hold back all the things I want to say: how Laramie feels like a city to me, how I was a drive away from any grocery store.

After watching the clock slip forward fifteen, twenty, then thirty minutes, I decide to take my leave. We have a few hours of free time and I feel the need to be alone. I stand up from the table and tell everyone I’ll be back in the afternoon. One of the professors catches me on my way out, “Where are you heading?”

I tell him back to campus and he offers to walk with me. It’s only a few blocks back, but it’s only a few blocks to anything here. He walks me over the cracked pavement crosswalks as the yellow turn signals blink on and off.

The professor is a sweet man. His small, round glasses sitting perched on the end of his nose, like a bartender in old western flicks. He tells me he’s lived here for three decades. He never planned on being here so long, but he had kids, the kids got used to the community, and well, thirty years later here he is with me.

We pass the signs welcoming us to campus when he breaks the small talk, “Just to the library?”

“I’m actually looking for a monument,” I tell him, then show him the map I pulled up on my phone.

He lifts his glasses and squints his eyes on it. Then, realizing where I’m headed, he hands the phone back.

“You know, I was here when it happened. Head of the Universalist Church,” I nod and follow him down the concrete path he’s pointed out. We come to a large grassy patch where a group of freshmen play kickball.

“The problem,” he continues, “was the media just descended here. They took a terrible incident and made us all out as homophobic cowboys.”

“That’s not fair,” I tell him.

“Well,” he says, “I mean it was obviously some of that. Would be lying if I said it wasn’t. The problem was the attention pushed many of the townsfolk deeper into it. The homophobia I mean.”

We cross the field, watching for loose rubber balls flying towards us. He points out the Arts and Sciences building and together we look for a monument. “It does say it’s here right?” he asks.

There aren’t any statues or large concrete structures to be seen. We step up to a platform just below the entrance and only see a few benches scattered in a concrete area just before the steps to the building. Stepping towards one of the benches, I find a small plaque nailed to the wooden backing of the bench. “It’s right here,” I tell him.

The professor walks over and recognizes it with me. We stand in solidarity for a second, each unsure of what to do. I tell him I’ll probably just sit and read for a few minutes. We shake hands.

“Hope to see you here in the fall,” he says. I nod and smile back at him. A small snow berm sits on the ground before the bench. It’s mostly dry now, as we’re in the small window of spring they get in Wyoming, but the shadow cast by the brick wall behind the bench keeps the snow thriving. When I sit down, I let my feet settle into the coldness. Someone left a few flowers here. Their petals are brittle to my touch, but they can’t be more than two weeks old. It’s more recognition than I thought a twenty-year-old murder would get.

I look back at the plaque for dates. 1976-1998. It’s been exactly twenty years. I look up his birthday on Wikipedia. He was two months from his twenty-second birthday. I just turned twenty-two. I’ve made it farther than he did. This makes me start to cry. Don’t be so emotional, I tell myself, he’d be closer to your Dad’s age than yours.

I bite my cheek to try and calm my sobs. I don’t want the kickball players to hear me, part of the ancient fear of being discovered with feelings as a boy. I don’t want someone to come and console me either. I just need a minute, I hear myself saying to them.

The picture they use on his Wikipedia page gives him an angelic look. He leans against a window and the sunlight shines through his blonde hair. He’s beautiful, I think. His beauty makes me cry even harder. I’m such a faggot, I chuckle to myself. I can’t help but feel drawn to him. He was a Wyoming faggot, I an Idaho faggot. Our states touch. They drug him out to a fence and beat him to death. I stayed closeted for the same threats of violence.

I stopped believing in God a while ago, but the routine and ceremony of prayer still feel natural to me. I do not clasp my hands to be obvious, but start an inner monologue, talking to myself, hoping something of it makes it to him: Did you have crushes on the same straight boys? Did they tell you they hated faggots, too? Did they ask to be touched by you, but never want to touch you back?

Sitting on the bench, I run my fingers over the raised letters in his plaque. Matthew Wayne Shepard, December 1, 1976- October 12, 1998, Beloved Son, Brother, and Friend, He continues to make a difference, Peace be with him and all who sit here. I ask Matthew for that peace.

They performed The Laramie Project at the local community college when I was in high school. The Westboro Baptist church showed up with their usual signs: Fags burn in hell! God Hates Fags! Some locals, including some from my hometown, showed up with signs of their own: May there be many more Matt Shepards!

I don’t know what I came to this memorial for, but felt it was my duty. The poster child for anti-queer violence, I suppose many queers feel connected to him, but I wanted to pay my respects. If nothing else to show him we rural queers can survive now.

I open my eyes and get up from the bench, ending the closest thing to a spiritual experience I’ve ever had. I don’t know how much time has passed, but decide I should get up and head back to the MFA group downtown. Someone else might need it.

Keegan Lawler, a born-a-raised Idahoan, now calls the Washington Coast home. His essays, poems, and short stories have appeared in Cascadia Rising Review and the Trestle Creek Review.

Katrina Smolinsky

Broken Ocean

Imagine the seashore riddled with gaps,
like an invisible chip on the rim of a glass

going unnoticed until it meets your finger seeking atonal harmonies. Each hole a thick void,

each a woven image of an empty loom on a deserted Ithaca, each vision of land on the horizon becomes a narcotic,

vain. In vein. Euphoria that cuts you at the knees,
sends you kneeling to the sun hot sand, presses your tongue

and teeth to the grit of it, scrapes saccharine intricacies
into your enamel. Until you turn to static, an infinite loop

of white ooze. Sound and shock trailing from the chapped lips of a conch shell. A snail’s eviction notice. An iridescent

liminal space. The catch and release of all expectations,
the suspension of a steel anchor over tranquil water.

Katrina Smolinsky is a lesbian poet from the Olympic Peninsula. She is a second-year MFA candidate at The College of Charleston and a graduate of The Evergreen State College.

Joe Andrews

I’m Looking at the Big Sky

Maybe the lesson is to stop coming out / to strangers in the Bodega smoking area / Biology isn’t always good for you / or the way men can put it in their mouths / What if my body is some ready meal / of chromosomes / angry in the microwave / over the places I forgot to pierce with a fork / What if some questions / are rusty nails / and tetanus is just a word / I will have to learn / Do you remember the morning after / the Bodega smoking area / and your head was full of biology / full of X and Y/ and you thought Kate Bush was singing / that cloud / looks like I do / in Tesco / and you wanted to cry / To be able to let the shopping fall / through your hands / like bodies parachuting through clouds 

Joe Andrews is a non-binary poet and maths teacher, living in Nottingham, England. They are currently working on a collection of youth-based workshops to introduce contemporary poetry to teenagers, who otherwise would not have the means to access it. They have also been published in Esthetic Apostle and have work forthcoming in the Bad Betty Press, Alter Ego’s anthology. You may find them on twitter @BigOofAndrews

Leslie Joy Ahenda

next time, someone kind

i peel my fingers to count skin cells
cut my hair with a bone saw
as curls static to curtain
i make my bed
pick mites up off the floor

to remove his skin from mine
i take a scalpel to my cervix
uncarve his name from my fingernails
rusted doorhinges i cover in white paint
& the clocks
i unzip the mattress to retrieve

sometimes i want to fix myself
sometimes i use green bedsheets

I can’t sleep without watching someone

I hate to look in mirrors in the dark. I used to think
of men so highly. I miss my periphery—these days
I can only unravel chairs from carpet fibres.
Snakes hide in my carpet because I asked them
to choke me. I am becoming a witch. I held another
woman & she wept & she told me what he did to her.
I am another woman & I weep for myself. I pour
my tears down the legs of her bedframe: my eyes
belong to her. I glimpse a mirror & he is there
& he is not there, & I wear a boa constrictor
around my shoulders.
+++++++++++++++++++I will kill him yet.

Leslie Joy Ahenda is a Canadian poet. She has work published in Poetry is DeadHoney & Lime Lit, and NoD Magazine. She was the Director of Marketing for Issue 17 of This Side of West, and she is an editorial intern on the Malahat Review poetry board. You can find her on Twitter at @leslieahenda.

Quinn Lui

meatshop in midwinter | Quinn Lui

devotion will never not sound desperate
to me. i mark every point where i imagined a splitting
with a dotted line on parchment paper, show you
where i unhooked my voice from jawbone and cartilage
and never expected to see it again. show you where
i slotted myself between unlit fireplace and faded couch
to listen to the thunk of knife against chopping board,
the detour through nameless shoulder or ribs.

i took the secrets into the garden. gutted them,
dark in the snow, their squeaking touch-timed
like back-door hinge or backyard swings
or slaughterhouse animal. if there are cruelties
more senseless than what we do in the name of feeling
then i don’t think the frost knows about them.

neither of us meant to turn the oven on so late
but we heat the corpses tender until they part,
easy like they were made for it. carve off the meat
and say we are saving this for summer, say
might as well let the flies get here before the warmth.

i trust you the way i’d trust a trick of the eye:
nothing disproven without touch or taste, without
the heat of hands or a mouth. there were years
in which the only touch i did not shy away from
left me with someone else’s skin torn away
in my fingers. tuck the bones aside. in time,
we can crack them gently along old shatter-lines,
draw up the marrow like an unspoken agreement.

Quinn Lui is a Chinese-Canadian student whose work has appeared in Occulum, Synaesthesia Magazine, Half Mystic, and elsewhere. They are the author of the micro-chapbook teething season for new skin (L’Éphémère Review, 2018) and can easily be bribed by soup dumplings or pictures of bees. You can find them @flowercryptid on Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram, or wherever the moon is brightest.

Kai River Blevins

kai.jpg

Kai (xe/they) is a non-binary/queer poet, researcher, and aspiring anthropologist living in the DC Metro area. Xe loves spending time with their partner, reading, flowers, all things sci-fi and fantasy, playing piano, cooking, and doing advocacy work. They have work published and forthcoming in The Inflectionist Review, Nashville Review, Up the Staircase Quarterly, and Voicemail Poems, among others. Say hello to xem on Instagram: @kairiverblevins.

Sally Geiger

Sally

Sally Geiger is an emerging queer writer and alumni of Knox College with a BA in Creative Writing. Their work has been published in TAB and Loreli Beijing, and their poem ‘Moon Poem’ was the third-place winner of the 2017 Davenport Poetry Prize. Sally lives in Taipei, Taiwan, where they teach English.