Holly Pelesky

Mouth

I was born into a role filled with expectations rather than options. I was expected to capitalize god, only speak when spoken to, take piano lessons, help in the nursery, stuff newspapers into boxes, babysit to buy the trinkets I wanted from Claire’s, tithe, save myself for marriage, sit near the front in church, pull in the good grades, separate my lights and colors and darks, sing in the choir, shop clearance racks, joke using puns, attend baby showers and weddings, blush when sex is mentioned. Marry a man. Bear his children. Dote on them all. Eschew myself. Make Crockpot chicken. Sew wayward buttons back into place. Laugh at family sitcoms. Buy a home. Fill it with wooden knick-knacks from craft fairs. A dog wouldn’t hurt. Buy themed birthday presents. Hang a cross on a wall somewhere. Drive a responsible used car, best a Honda or Toyota. Send Christmas cards. Iron his shirts. Work a job to help with the finances. Make sure it offers decent health insurance. Don’t work a job, the kids need me at home. My husband is the head of the household. Never go to bed angry. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Swallow the blood.

So, when my mouth first filled with want for a body and the body belonged to another girl, I lodged my secret in my tonsils. I kept it away from where it didn’t belong. I belonged by being someone who followed rules, orders, roles, orders. When I first wanted to kiss a pair of lips, they were light pink and sticky with gloss. Instead, I held hands with a boy whose palm could envelop my face. When my hormones and adolescent angst had compressed inside me like a clamped spring coil, I let a boy take my clothes off, watched the spots dance on the ceiling while his dick howled through my tight virginity. When I realized he had filled my womb, I called Planned Parenthood, panicked that although I held my secrets in my body, my body could blab them if I wasn’t more careful.

I wasn’t careful enough for the compiling secrets growing up required: one slipped away from me. But I could fix this me. When my boyfriend proposed I swallowed the no that climbed up my throat and said yes with a nod meant to convince myself. I loved him in a way. In a way where I felt cherished as I was: damaged and impure. I could fake this role. I would keep better track of my secrets, grow paranoid, feign purity. Wife wouldn’t suit me, but I could suit up inside it, stand tall.

Until I slumped over the wheel, seized. After a decade had passed of Crockpot meals and buying a house and bearing children again, this time to keep.

When I first lay next to a woman, it was twice my lifetime from when I had first longed to. Unlike everything before, it came easy to me. I simply went out to lunch one day and then out for coffee and then to a party and then to a play and soon, she was curled up next to me and I wanted it to stay that way. It was an option I had always ignored until suddenly, after a very long time, I realized I had choices. I could simply decline the role I had inherited that didn’t suit me. Life wasn’t one mole trap after another underneath one of my father’s upside-down five-gallon buckets in the front lawn.

It wasn’t.
It isn’t.
It can’t be.

Don’t take off the bucket; I don’t want anyone to see me caught like this, my neck clamped in metal jaws.

Holly Pelesky is a lover of spreadsheets, giant sandwiches, and handwritten letters. She holds an MFA from the University of Nebraska. She cobbles together gigs to get by while writing. She lives in Nebraska with her two sons.

Caroline Grand-Clement

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the signs as things that have eaten me

ARIES: an absence, half-pronounced. one foot out the door, the other latching on to a fatherhood shaped like the same christmas gifts every year.

TAURUS: an unnamed guilt renamed after my sister & the time i heard her crying through the walls, unable to keep our world from falling apart— a lost goodbye.

GEMINI: a first flower. wishes spent on dandelions & hearing your hair whisper what a waste to the seeds caught in the winds.

CANCER: a running track, lanes streaked with tears & breathlessness. i never learned the word for not knowing how to fly.

LEO: a cricket’s song in the pines. birds released to the hunt— an impossible liberation. marble betrayal in the cold. there’s never anywhere left to flee.

VIRGO: a cut-off tongue diving down a raspy throat. promise to wear my leather jacket when we meet again, if only you wear your porcelain teeth.

LIBRA: an ovarian cyst full of sleeplessness & hope. left hands rubbing sidewalk chalk off the dark side of the moon. eyes that obey the tide & look away too fast.

SCORPIO: a hollowed-out ghost knocking against the porch. too much candy to fill the holes drilled into my sorrow bones.

SAGITTARIUS: a forgotten pencil sharpener. lines that run deep around lips pulled too tight. a single black hoodie hanging on the skeleton of those who never dared to exist.

CAPRICORN: a handful of dirt thrown into a well. bottles strewn across the floorboards of a dimly lit garage. winter is the truest stereotype of bitter warmth.

AQUARIUS: a jacuzzi filled with snow. a cabin in the lost fogs of forgetting— lighting fire to the palms of our feet to see who ran away the farthest.

PISCES: a phone call to the cops. eighty-two birds screeching through the glass about poetry. a secret spelled out in smoke.

Caroline Grand-Clement is a seventeen years old, half-time poet, half-time student at an international school in Lyon, France. She dreams of art in any form, falling stars & late night conversations. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Beyond the Shallows, an anthology by L’Ephemere Review, Rose Quartz Journal, and elsewhere. You can find her on Twitter, Tumblr or Instagram @octopodeshearts.

Maya Williams

The Words We Wear

My little brother tried the word
+++++“nigga”
on.

It’s a little baggy at first.
A garb thrown upon his tongue only to
fall limp,
but, eventually,
it suited him well.

My brother
plays his favorite rap song in his room.

Readjusts the pronunciation before
relaxing
in his ongoing
++++++reclamation
of an outfit.

My brother hangs out with his friends
and they think they wear the word better.

Especially when accessorized with the hard
++++++“er”
at the end
for a more
++++++vintage
look.

My brother
shrugs it off.

He doesn’t suggest something different
for them to try on.

He lets it
++++++hang
in the air.

Maya Williams is a poet residing in Portland, Maine. She is a black mixed-race woman of color using writing as a tool to explore her personal journey with racial identity and mental health. They have a Master’s in Social Work and a Certificate in Applied Arts and Social Justice. They have been published in GlitterMOB, Soft Cartel, The Occulum Journal, and Frost Meadow Review. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram at @emmdubb16 and her website mayawilliamspoet.com

Dana Alsamsam

Chrysalism

I step into my mother’s side of the closet     now empty
save a lace prom dress hung on wire     still white in defiance
of time     for me to walk into when I was ready     like staying
inside during a thunderstorm     an amniotic tranquility
like I never left her belly     like it only rained outside
the black holes of windows     outside the protective swaths
of hand-knit blankets     not here     in our identical cups of tea
The closet air thickens as I grow into myself     find the membrane
of the word woman to be more expansive     I put on the cold skin
The dress doesn’t fit across the hips     doesn’t flatter
my shoulders     my penny hair     reaches too far past my feet
I hack the sleeves off with scissors     tear through lace
to expose knees     dye the fabric black to show girl can be girl
but also bits of breaking free

Mother’s Day

It’s been months & still
I search for you in our regular
genetics of absence, in garbage
bags filled with your clothing
left behind—three wrinkled
wind breakers clutching tight
to the aroma of Minnesota,
of tilting hills and lines of heather
bowing to the lake. I could see
across it even with blooming
girlchild eyes. Mother,
you’re too far away now
to see me. I fold & smooth,
repairing myself, in a living room
where couches carry your scent—
lilac & quince in the clutch
of knit—two miniskirts so short
my white thighs gleam
to their shining peaks. My body
is contained by more skin
than I was taught to inhabit.
You allowed lines of men
to swallow you, these dresses
of indifference hanging limp
on bone-near flesh. I can’t
find you here. Shirt after skirt,
my fabric is loosening, breathing
out in bits as these bags deflate.
I tremble. I fathom.
You were always gone
before you left— last—
one wedding dress, outside in—
a molted skin, hollowing.

Dana Alsamsam is the author of a chapbook, (in)habit (tenderness lit, 2018), and her poems are published or forthcoming in Bone Bouquet, The Massachusetts Review, North American Review, Gigantic Sequins, Tinderbox Poetry, The Boiler Journal, Salamander, BOOTH and others. Her work has been supported by a fellowship from Lambda Literary’s Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBTQ Voices. A Chicago native, Dana is currently an MFA candidate and a teacher at Emerson College.

An Interview with Christopher Soto

An Interview with Christopher Soto on Nepantla: An Anthology Dedicated to Queer Poets of Color

Dujie Tahat (Homology Lit, Poetry Editor): Both queerness and POC-ness can exist on a spectrum. While identity is probably more multi-dimensional, or maybe even multi-vector, the idea of a “spectrum” at least reaches toward and indicates a correlation with the real-world—disproportionately higher homicide rates and worse health and socioeconomic impacts of those identities that are farther from cis-, heteronormative, white masculinity. With those high stakes in mind, the task of putting together the anthology Nepantla looms large. Did you ever feel overwhelmed by the ethical implications of putting together the anthology? What was your north star? What did you feel you had to maintain fidelity to, at the expense of all else?

Christopher Soto: Hi, thanks for taking the time to chat with me. I don’t really think of queerness as a spectrum but it’s interesting to hear your thoughts. I think of queerness and poc-ness as super specifically defined by chronology and geography. Someone once said this is a dialectical materialist analysis of sexuality, gender, and race. Though, I haven’t been too steeped in Marxist theory lately. Maybe its time for me to return. Anyhoo, I think my problem with the idea of a spectrum is that it posits a start and an end, when I moreso feel like race, gender, sexuality are ever-shifting and in conversation with the plants, trees, bumble bees, sky. Though, yes, us people who live in contemporary America find ourselves impacted from the ideas of whiteness, masculinity, etc. and face very serious financial, social, physical consequences for existing outside of the dominant governing systems. Pertaining to feeling overwhelmed about the ethical implications of the anthology- yes, I felt overwhelmed. In the intro to Nepantla, I list several ethical concerns that I had when creating the anthology. But I think a lot of this is my previous traumas speaking too, which sometimes hold me back from doing the organizing work I want to do at times and also make me anxious about producing public-facing work. During this Trump era, I think intra-communal tenderness en route to the larger fight for reparations and various systems changes is my north star. There are so many fires burning on my communities and so many places to bash back that I think our energies need to be focused. My core concerns at this moment are contributing to work that supports: incarcerated communities, undocumented communities, and anti-imperialist movements. I want to continue working for these communities with queer/trans, femme, poc, survivors who are most impacted by these systems whenever possible.

DT: Did the work of putting together this anthology reveal to you something about the way you see your own identity? Or how it exists in relation to queerness or POC-ness, at large?

CS: My view of my own identity is constantly shifting. I have never seen a place for myself within white American masculinity–the idea of the stoic lone ranger hunting for his family, who rests in the log cabin before he comes home and pours a gin. I have not found space for myself to exist within this idea of masculinity for many years. But lately, I have come to feel more comfortable in understanding myself in conversation with contemporary Latinx masculinity, where the man has a greater emotional range, is tied intrinsically to the family unit, and sacrifices the self for the greater good of others. There are still many problems with machismo and how the man is conceived as the sole provider and powerholder in the family unit but I think many queer latinxs are really pushing against these notions and fucking with gender binaries at the same time, in a way that makes me feel like there might be some small slither of space for me near contemporary latinx American masculinity. But mostly I identify as non-binary, agender, trans-femme and suppressing my gender presentation because of the transphobic violence. In 2019, I really want to work on my anxiety and hopefully be able to start presenting outside the binary again. This convo is just about gender but yes, I am also always thinking about race and class and what it means to be a survivor as well. The anthology has impacted the ways that I think about my gender because it has allowed me different ways that I can see myself and understand my being.

DT: In several interviews, you’ve mentioned it being difficult to obtain the rights of certain poems by queer poets of color because their estates were managed by folks who may not have had the spirit of the work at the front of their minds. What does it tell us about the power that old white dudes can still gatekeep the rights of passed QOC poets? Did it re-instill the work with purpose or was it more of a feeling of defeat?

CS: Aretha Franklin recently passed and did not have a will. John McCain also recently passed and had been planning every tiny aspect of his passing with family members and friends. When working on securing the rights of deceased QPOC poets, I came to understand the importance of protecting the rights to our work. I began to have discussions with family and friends about what I want to happen should I pass away unexpectedly. I’ll say it again here for the record (and it is written on private emails and google docs that I have too, though I need to document it more formally sometime soon). If I die the rights to my poems and essays and paintings and creative work should go to Eduardo C Corral and Ocean Vuong. All my financial assets should go to my older sister, Michelle Soto. I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread in California. No graveyard plaque please. I think working to publish deceased QPOC poets has just made me more conscious of protecting my work and making sure my family is okay when I pass.

DT: If queerness is characterized by threshold or transition or that liminal space you mention in the introduction of the anthology, what does that mean for other identities? We’re in a moment of great dislocation and violence, so it strikes me that most, if not all, identities are in the midst or on the cusp of a huge shift. Given that, what is queerness or QOC-ness—either identity or poetics—reaching towards that is its own?

CS: I don’t think I can name what queerness is reaching towards, if anything. And I think that is part of the beauty of queerness. This question makes me think of Dr. José Esteban Muñoz when he writes, “Queerness is not here yet. Queerness is an identity. Put another way, we are not yet queer. We may never touch queerness, but we can feel it as the warm illumination of a horizon imbued with potentiality. We have never been queer, yet queerness exists for us as an identity that can be distilled from the past and used to imagine a future. The future is queerness’s domain.”

DT: How do you practice tenderness in your writing? In the face of so much everyday violence, what do you do to keep grounding yourself in that tenderness?

CS: I am thinking about James Baldwin discussing Malcom X and saying, “And that’s the truth about Malcolm: he was one of the gentlest people I have ever met.” And I wish that we were gentler with each other so that we can focus on battling the conservatives who are literally deporting our families, incarcerating our families, and executing people on the streets as police. This gentleness and tenderness within my community, building trust and strength and support amongst one another is my basis before any actual radical work is done. There are so many people and systems working to destroy people of various marginalized identities (such as queer/trans folks of color) and so I really really just try my hardest to be tender with my community interpersonally and in my writing, though I know I’m not always perfect. I think my writing is actually much more angsty than my personal self. So it feels nice to hear that you read tenderness in the work too. I think that tenderness is one of the greatest governing factors of my life. I think this tenderness is also a reaction to my history of domestic violence, my fear of repeating the violence that has been done onto me.

DT: There’s a tendency to characterize QOC poetry as timely, necessary, urgent—and it is, to be sure—but, in that characterization, is there a risk of flattening the poetry or minimizing the craft? How do you push back against people who only see the narrative or biography of the poet?

CS: Hmm there are a couple different questions here. I think poetry can be timely and not flat. For example, “Poem About Police Violence” by June Jordan was written decades ago and its content is still very timely, its craft is still influential too. And pertaining to the second question about biography of the poet- if that’s all that people see then that’s fine but then we are talking about bios and not poems. It’s getting late, sorry my answers are getting shorter.

DT: You’re unapologetic about your brownness and your queerness. You’ve even said, at readings, that you’ll yell and scream because the institutional publishing players won’t let you in. All that said, your bio highlights some important accomplishments made possible by the likes of Amazon and Barnes & Nobles. How do you square those two?

CS: I think a lot has changed for me over the years. Many people have worked very hard to open doors for me. It’s something that I’m trying to understand and adjust to in my life- privilege- what more can I do with the platforms provided to me. When I began publishing Nepantla with Lambda Literary, five years ago, I could count the publishers of color on one hand (or so it felt). Now I can list fifteen poetry publishers of color (at magazines) easily. This has made access to publishing for me a bit easier, though the magazines are usually still run by white folks and the book publishers are still very white. There is room to continue diversifying publishing and I think there are other fights worth fighting in the literary community too. I think I have struggled to conceptualize of myself as someone with privilege in the literary world because I don’t have a first book, I don’t work at a literary arts org, and I don’t have a teaching job (these are usually the metrics that people use for power or privilege in the literary world) but yea, there is a sense of access that I do have now that I didn’t have before. I’m trying to understand what it means.

DT: If you were starting Nepantla, the journal, today, would you do anything differently? Any advice for a newly launched, up-and-coming lit mag publishing LGBTQ folx, POC, and people with disabilities?

CS: Advice for new folks is to be kind to yourself and to be confident in yourself. No matter what you produce people will likely critique it. No matter how intentional you may try to be with your words and actions, you will likely still make some mistakes. Listen to people and be open to learning from them and be proud of yourself for even trying to support the literary world, we need your journals.

Christopher Soto (b. 1991, Los Angeles) is a poet based in Brooklyn, New York. He is the author of the chapbook Sad Girl Poems (Sibling Rivalry Press, 2016) and the editor of Nepantla: An Anthology Dedicated to Queer Poets of Color (Nightboat Books, 2018). He co-founded the Undocupoets Campaign and worked with Amazon Literary Partnerships to establish grants for undocumented writers.  In 2017, he was awarded “The Freedom Plow Award for Poetry & Activism” by Split This Rock and he was invited to teach a “Poetry and Protest Movements” course at Columbia University, as part of the June Jordan Teaching Corp. In 2016, Poets & Writers honored Christopher Soto with the “Barnes & Nobles Writer for Writers Award.” He frequently writes book reviews for the Lambda Literary Foundation. His poems, reviews, interviews, and articles can be found at The Nation, The GuardianLos Angeles Review of Books, Poetry, American Poetry Review, Tin House, and more. His work has been translated into Spanish, Portuguese, and Thai. He has been invited to speak at university campuses across the country. He is currently working on a full-length poetry manuscript about police violence and mass incarceration. He received his MFA in poetry from NYU, where he was a Goldwater Hospital Writing Workshop Fellow.

Afieya Kipp

A.V., Whom I’ve Dreamt

sam sax once said that the body “rages, riots, and rots” / unlit post diagnosis

tired / of the blood cells that won’t multiply on time / shitting where i sleep
last night, i dreamt i was gutted and served/ praying

that someone would show themselves
at my bed
ready
to braid courage into my hair

i am not the kind of woman who dies writing poems in the palms of her
hands—reminders to b r e a t h e

my head
d
r
o
o
p
s
like a pale perennial

my mother feeds me

i am barely a body (some weird chassis)

and yet,
the heart still b e a t s.

it is simple:

i am a woman that craves a literature
that does not talk of the ghost of myself, but
what a privilege it is to be a vessel of such strange
love.

Afieya Kipp (she/her) is a queer poet, editor and text-based artist born in Brooklyn, NY. She lives in northern New Jersey where she carries poems in her wallet and is an MFA candidate at Lindenwood University. Follow her on Twitter @AfieyaK.

Arielle Tipa

psychotria elata

i lip sync to your final molt
looking humansoft and prancing
and this deform brittles me to a boil
purring with every mouthpart

and with limbs like china i reach for my breastplate
melting pinkeye coquette and needles
for you

Arielle Tipa is a writer who lives near a haunted lake in New York. She is the Founding Editor of Occulum. Her debut chapbook of poetry and prose, daughter – seed, is set to release in Winter 2018 from Empty Set Press.

Logan February

On Nature
+++*after Brynne Rebele-Henry

A seedling rises at the center of a planetarium. Sunless, fierce. All the people have their eyes to the night sky. We are here for something bigger than nature, they say. Smiling at the stars. The stars are furious, shouting silently. Look around you, idiots, we are not magnificent.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Fact: in this moment, the world’s oldest living animal is gay. He’s a tortoise, laden with a heavy shell. This must mean slowness is erotic. I find myself wondering how long his orgasms last.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Learning is important to humans, but not limited to them. One does not need eyes to know danger. Red is red.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Imagine this. The mother frog tells her child: don’t go near the animals. Frogs only love frogs. No animal thinks itself an animal.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
I, human. I, homo. I, hunted.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
The sky knows how we ignore the seedling, so it says: don’t be sad, darling. Come here. Drink until you are full.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
A woman’s water breaks & she becomes two people. No one counts the afterbirth, though it is pulsing.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
The crocodile eats her fourth son for strength to raise the fifth.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
The ocean lapping against the shore. The ocean lapping around my ankles.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
If you listen to all the crickets at once they sound like a choir singing O Fortuna.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
The couple fucks in the dark against the fridge. The boy swallows communion wine like cough syrup. The sex is so good it turns my migraine into a nosebleed. This is romance. This is romance. This, too, is romance.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Blue hummingbird, black hummingbird, green hummingbird, same hummingbird.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
My new Yorùbá husband said he wanted my sweat in his pounded yam to show I love him. Instead, I used a store-bought mix. I didn’t even break a sweat.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
I cough & cough, but I don’t give up smoking.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
A core is a core. The sun, too, can crack. It is very unlikely that we are the only ones in this small universe.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
This one. This one is a madman.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
So. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A pigeon walks into a bar, right? And everyone is like: whoa man you have wings but you walked??? And then they catch & grill him. Whiskey & soy sauce. Lime & salt & honey. Do you get it do you get it do you?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
A dark body holds in too much sucrose & leaves five children fatherless.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Every widow in Igboland is a black widow. I don’t mean by being African. I mean she washes the corpse & drinks the water. My father died in Enugu. You get what I’m saying.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Last week, I saw an abandoned Volkswagen. There was a shrub growing inside it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
My sister got a dog & then moved out. Now I feed the dog & he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t think he is an animal. He thinks he is God.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Oh, they love it when you’re weird. Trust me. But not that weird. Not gay. That’s just taking it too far.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
I blame my failed romances on climate change.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Okay, imagine this. Psychotherapy, but for mangoes. Some of them are really fucked up, man.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
Once, I bit my tongue almost clean off. Once, my dick got caught in a zipper. I’m trying to say the mind forgets but the body doesn’t.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
In some faraway galaxy, three moons are making love & I am all three of them. No, I don’t mean masturbation. I’m talking about self-love on a really, really big scale.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Logan February is a Nigerian poet and a book reviewer. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in Washington Square Review, The Adroit Journal, Vinyl, Tinderbox, The Bind, Raleigh Review, and more. He is a Best of the Net and Pushcart nominee, and his first full length manuscript, Mannequin in the Nude, was a finalist for the Sillerman First Book Prize for African Poets. He is the author of How to Cook a Ghost (Glass Poetry Press, 2017), Painted Blue with Saltwater (Indolent Books, 2018) & Mannequin in the Nude (PANK Books, 2019). You can find him at loganfebruary.com 

Michelle Ceely

In the Backyard Where We Parted With Monogamy

That morning my stomach hurt from leftover kid pizza. The night before you’d brought it home from work, from Chuck E. Cheese’s. You were saving for grad school, but then again fuck grad school, you often said. I turned on my pillow and looked at you cradling your arm. You complained how a shrieking mob of children had dragged you into the ball pit and dinged up your elbow. I was glad my HRT could keep us kid-less (what’s left sleeps in the bottom of a sample cup, on a freezer shelf, at the clinic downtown). In any case, you said you were staying on your birth control. Your eyes had a dead vibe from all the shouting and constant flashes of arcade screens. I got out of bed and put on my blue summer dress. I felt beautiful anyway.

We both knew about the texts, which bars, at least something of who fucked who, and so on, but neither of us had said anything yet. I didn’t say anything as I fried the eggs. I thought longer while you changed upstairs. (If you’re reading this I want to confess that often when you’re at work I go into your closet and try to breathe you into me). I took Betsy outside and let her pee in the rosebushes, waited by the alley gate and your parking space.

You came out the back door, down the two concrete steps. Your hair was wrapped around you like a scarf and tucked into the torso of your mouse suit. You lifted the Chuck E. Cheese head and placed it over yours.

Immediately the black-white terrier was growling.

I leaned down and held Betsy to my side, calming her. Standing I looked into the vacant plastic eyes. The wind blew the whiskers slightly. Your voice came out muffled: “Betsy doesn’t understand permanence.”

“But she understands deception,” I said.

The dog’s ears shot up. From the balcony above we could hear our neighbor Thorn begin to beat his collection of native drums. I took a glance: his dreadlocks whipped about. His pecs went spastic.

You turned the buckteeth and C cap to the west. “Well, I’ve got to get to work.”

“Alright.”

You went on, only hesitating a half-second.

Then the giant mouse closed the gate and the wind set to howling. The sun was keen.

I lingered with the dog in the yard.

In ten minutes you called my phone and so I held your voice close to my ear: “I could not say it to your face but you are not saying it to my face either. I am not bad for wanting what I want and you are not bad for wanting what you want.”

Thorn was still at it, whooping now, beating his drums louder, faster.

My voice was whispered and chant-like, “I know. And I love them. I love them all. And you, and myself.”

You were saying something back but in euphoria I lost language and only knew your tone. Everything was yes, yes, yes. I said, “I love you but I have to go.” At my feet Betsy was rolling, making happy snarf-noises, living in ecstasy of green grass, bright day.

Then Thorn called my name from the balcony, the name I chose and through which I give love. I still haven’t decided how to tell you that part, how I tied Betsy to the railing and went up the stairs holding a flower from our bed.

Michelle Ceely is a fiction writer in Ohio. Follow her on Twitter: @michierooskie.